i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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