I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
