dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize