i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
