you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
