mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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