I didn't shave. On purpose
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
