There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
My cat gives me a boner
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
