I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
