I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
