yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
