yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
