i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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