Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
