i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Bring me that man meat
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
