Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
