Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
