New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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