is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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