Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Still dying that you shit outside
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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