I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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