I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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