Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I FOUND THE LEGS
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
