the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
