You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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