she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
