I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you had me at cake vodka
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
