So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
