Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
