so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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