"it" just moved
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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