So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
