omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I smell stomach acid.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
