just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
