but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
