God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
