I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
