I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
