I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
