maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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