I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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