as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
