So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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