Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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