everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
