I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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