I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
