...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
