Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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