So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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