i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
