There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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