you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
