nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you had me at cake vodka
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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