then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
