I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
