It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
