You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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