I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
